I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
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half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’