I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
🔥🔥
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
#Caturday
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I camp so other people don’t have to.