I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
can you read it!!??
maan!
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
This took me a second..