Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Doormats are a gateway rug.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……