I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
You Might Also Like
Breakfast for Stoners:
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
as is their right
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”