Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.