I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Doggies just call it style.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department