Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”