I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
You Might Also Like
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade