I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.