I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The sacred texts.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.