Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.