I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
giddy up Office Depot
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Tuesday
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed