I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
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Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?