I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime