I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*