I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
You Might Also Like
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source