I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”