Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!
Her: USE YOUR HANDS!
Me: *raises the roof*
I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.
But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
ME AT 15: oh no climate change is going to kill me
ME AT 25: good
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.