@shhhitsokaynow

I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

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@RobElliottComic

[having sex]

Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!

Her: USE YOUR HANDS!

Me: *raises the roof*

@daemonic3

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

@bromanconsul

GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]

@GuyBreakup

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

@HeyJennyLeone

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

@BlindChow

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

@kumailn

Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.

@alexjmann

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.