FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
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HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
inventing words: clothing
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Doctors texting each other.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.