I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door