Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saint West, the patron of selfies

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

Now this is how you LinkedIn

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm