@dumbbeezie

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

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@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@LlamaInaTux

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

@good_one_rick

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!

@leshnevsky

– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.

@trevso_electric

Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?

@CoopFogg

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.