I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!