Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…