I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
very niche meme I made
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie