I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
