I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home