I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
True freaking story!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging