Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Its true…

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!