I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me :
All Day At Night
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.