I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Erm…
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
What a kind woman! 😂😂
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.