I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
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There is no try. There is only give up.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Ah..makes sense now
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.