I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I love you…
…r dog.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Always
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
