I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”