I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Do not steal food from the science building!
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.