I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
can’t bark with your mouth full
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there