Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course