@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.