I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
OH. COME. ON.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.