I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
🤣🤣🤣