[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.
I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?