I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

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Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”


Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.


Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.


“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.


So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…


Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder


If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes


I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.