@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

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@pleatedjeans

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

@KayRants

I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.

@SeaGlassSiren

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

@Darlainky

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

@LimeyTheGreat

My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.