Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes