Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

THIS HEADLINE

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.