I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
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Traveler’s camo
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Twitter remains undefeated
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks