I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
![]()
You Might Also Like
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
![]()
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
![]()
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.