Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.