Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Wise advice

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory