I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
You Might Also Like
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
☠️ ☠️
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.