I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
You Might Also Like
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Just had my nails done!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”