I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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#parenting
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
congratulations to them
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.