I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
finally found a reasonable question
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….