I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
The “baby” on the left….
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Good morning!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.