@Danny_Dilford

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

You Might Also Like

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@farleftcoast

A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.

@CArmanthegirl

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

@UncleDuke1969

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

@aotakeo

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

@Maxine12333

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

@good_one_rick

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

@_Bad_Karma

911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.

@RodLacroix

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.