I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.


Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things


Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.


my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town


I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.


My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.


My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.