I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
courtroom exchange of the day
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.