I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
how to market bottled water to dads
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The Joker was right
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
felt that
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
i’m gonna allow it
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday