Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

This is my cat’s medicine.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…