Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

🐿️

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.