I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I only treason on days ending in y
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
By Kate Hatos
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit