I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.