I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
this post was so formative to me
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like