I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
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What?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
#TopTip
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My good tweets are in my other pants.