Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Sending in my taxes

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA