Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name