Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

secret recipe

This will never not be funny to me.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.