I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
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Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.