I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Friday
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.