i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
selena gomez
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.