i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
They’re on their honeymoon
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.