I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Very good news from my accountant
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …