Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf