I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When you don’t understand how floors work
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My favorite farside!!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.