I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show


Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.


Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school


Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.


12: I hate school.

Me: Hey! Perk up! Years from now you’ll look back on this as the best time of your life!

12: Now you’re just being mean


You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.


I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”


If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.