I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Never forget.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.