@BeTheCookie

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

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@Josievorenkamp

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

@batkaren

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

@HousewifeOfHell

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

@hazelmotes1

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.

@KalvinMacleod

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@AmishPornStar1

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

@bettieriot

I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.